Maggie
by follicle
Summary: Maggie Moore isn't like the other girls. She only ever looked. Nobody was ever harmed by just looking. She never expected anything to happen with Sirius Black nor did she ever want to. But something somewhere just wanted to wreak havoc in her life.
1. Chapter 1

When I first came to Hogwarts on the train, I already knew I loved him. I know. I was only a first year, but something about him just tugged at my heart, and throughout my time at Hogwarts, my eyes always followed him. I didn't always go out of my way to look for him. But when he did come near me, I couldn't help but look.

I knew him since he was a broody, stuck up first year. And I knew him now—the friendly, flirty, but sometimes still inconsiderate guy. Sirius Orion Black. We were loose friends. We used to be closer during the first few years of Hogwarts, but we grew apart once he found his friends and I found mine. It's strange to think that I used to talk to him every day, but now, I'm lucky to catch a glimpse of him and maybe even exchange greetings.

Today was typical. We shared Defense together, though I usually didn't talk to him much. But I sat a couple seats behind him during the exam today. I'd finished my exam a bit early and checked all my answers, and I'd glance at him from time to time to see what he was doing. Maybe I'd glanced at him a little too long here and there, but nobody noticed. Or I think nobody did.

He had this alluring air of elegance while having that perfect boyish charm when he joked with his friends. It was addicting, to say the least. But it wasn't anything apart from normal. I only looked. I wasn't like those other girls who fawned on him and made him a bit arrogant. I was reasonable. I knew I wasn't pretty. I only had my smarts, and boys his age didn't care too much for that. They really only cared about looks. I don't blame him because it's physiological, and I've already come to terms that I'll never be slender nor will I ever have a pretty voice or pretty hair. I've already given up. I learned my lesson in third year when any time he spoke to me, I only believed more that he fancied me. The rumor mill had gone around that he fancied a Gryffindor, and because I'd been somewhat close friends with him, I foolishly believed that I was the one. In about a week, my stupid hopes were dashed to pieces because he confided in me himself that it was one of my best friends. I helped them start dating. They broke up during the summer before fourth year. The same thing happened twice with other girls within fourth year, and I eventually realized I never had a chance. So I grew up and apart from him once we got involved in different thing in school. I gave up.

But that didn't mean I couldn't look. It's often one of the best bits about my days, as pathetic as that sounds. But nobody knows, and that's all that really matters to me. I'd never in my life want to be associated with those girls always hoping to his next girlfriend because they like his "rugged good looks" and the fame that comes along with being the object of his affections.

I'm different from them, or so I like to believe.


	2. Chapter 2

It was fifth year. This marked the fifth year I'd fancied him, and I had promised myself that this was the year that I'd forget. But of course, I'd been reciting this like a mantra that seemed to never work. I noticed that I have a tendency to get extremely attached, and that characteristic unfortunately applied to goddamned Sirius Black, who seemed to drift in and out of my daily thoughts, much to my displeasure.

I didn't quite understand my attraction either. I didn't speak to him that much. I only looked, yet I admired him for absolutely nothing. Well, it wasn't nothing, I'll admit. He was easy on the eyes, for sure. But I admired and hated him for his ability to excel in his classes with not much studying, and the clever ways he could manipulate charms and transfigure magnificent objects in ways that I couldn't do as well.

He was a bit of a bully at times, which I despised. Maybe I just needed to focus on all of his bad characteristics. That could help in my seemingly fruitless endeavor to get rid of this _parasite_.

I don't think he'll ever know just how much he's on my mind. What I would give to throw away these feelings. When I think about it, it's sad that my first love will go unheard of, but I would never have the courage to even hint at it to him, or anyone else for that matter.

It's only one in the morning, and I should really finish my work. Get out of my mind, will you? I'm too tired.


	3. Chapter 3

It's only fifth year. Two more years to spend with my friends. I can have two more years with _him_. I've always dreamed of telling my friends, who I'd imagine to be shell-shocked and make sure that I'm not pulling their leg. I've always dreamed of just telling him out of nowhere just to get it off my chest. I am half considering that currently. I just don't want to keep on lingering like this meaninglessly. I've got more important things to worry about.

And look at me now. Here I am worrying about him again. I promised myself I wouldn't do this anymore. I swear I'd just love to focus on studying for the OWLs. That would be a load off my chest, really. I think I'll ask McGonagall to nab me some seventh year tutor to help me focus. I'd study with a friend, but all we'd end up doing is pouring out our souls to each other without getting any work done. Plus, I need to improve my social skills, or my lack thereof. I never liked to get out of my bubble much because I simply don't enjoy talking with boring people.

I think I might just tell Sirius that I've fancied him for five fucking years and that I am absolutely ready to stop now. But in the back of my mind, I don't think I will. I would never have the courage. I don't even want him to notice me anymore. Well, that's false. But I don't want to date him. I don't want to date anyone right now, so I honestly don't know what I'm doing, pining after some idiot. I think I'd like to kiss Sirius just once. Just so that I know how underwhelming it is.

Well, I'm not going to learn Arithmancy by musing. I think I _will_ get a tutor. I just need to find the initiative to go and ask her, which I predict will take a week or so to even encourage myself.


	4. Chapter 4

I spoke to him today. It's rather pathetic of me to actually remember that. Just this morning I was so ready to get rid of him in my mind once and for all. I thought I really had gotten over him after being just loose friends for so long. But then I spoke to him today.

It was in Potions. Remus was sick again, and Peter wasn't the greatest at the subject. His usual friends were all paired off by themselves, so _he_ had to find a Potions partner. He remembered me. I've got two other close friends, so the pairing is always off. It was the right circumstances at the right time. Or should I say wrong?

It was in the flurry before class started when everybody settled partners. Since I'd be the one to find someone else today out of my friends, I sat at my table, waiting for someone to look lonely. I made eye contact with him. He grinned. He took the seat next to mine as if he owned it.

"Been a while, hasn't it, Maggie?" Sirius Black said in that smooth, baritone voice of his.

Although I may have been pining after him for so long, I was aloof. "I suppose so, Sirius." The ends of my lips pulled upward ever so slightly. "What's Remus gone for now?"

He seemed to think about it for a second before replying promptly, "He's sick."

As always. By this time, my stomach was already tied up in knots, despite my small smiles. There was a reason why none of my friends even thought I held any sort of feelings towards this idiot. I was very good at hiding it.

After a bit of small talk, we settled in for class. It was absolutely wonderful and nerve-wracking at the same time. But now, I feel so stupid for feeling so hopeful. I remember every word that came out of my mouth, and I regret each one of them for no reason at all other than that I was only falling for him more each time. He's an idiot, yes. But an endearing one.


End file.
